To Hell & Back
Releasing the echoes in our Heart Canyon.
One of my favorite songs is To Hell & Back. Maren Morris’s words paint an image that makes me grin from my cheeks to the corners of my eyes all squinty, every time.
Smoke was coming off my jacket
And you didn’t seem to mind
I left a long trail of ashes
And you said, “I like your style”Now heartbreak ain’t a competition
But I took it in a landslide . . . .
My wings are frayed and what's
Left of my halo's blackLucky for me
Your kind of Heaven's
Been to Hell and back
To Hell and back
So good, right? Somebody get me a karaoke mic, stat!
It’s been a Hell-and-Back era but I’m on the way back, baby.
Recently, I learned of a theory that makes as much sense as any, I suppose. The timing tracks, even down to the specific month and year this wild ride kicked off—so much so that I responded in an instant, “oh is that what’s been going on?!”
Astrologically, I’m at the end of my Chiron Return.1 This happens only once in a lifetime, thank the Good Lord above! This is when the planet Chiron returns to the same place in the sky that it was when you were born. The timing specific to you depends on your birth chart, but it occurs roughly between the ages of 46 and 52.
Chiron is known as the “wounded healer.”2 Thus, our Chiron Return is said to open core wounds so that we can face them, heal them, and move forward. In this period, challenges are presented, often significant ones. It is in the Overcoming that we grow and we learn and, inevitably, we change. It is in the Emerging that we connect to our Higher Self.
To Chiron, let me just say: You’ve had your Return, now with gratitude for the Journey, please exit stage right.
No more growth opportunities, please. I’m good on growth opportunities, thank you. I’m real good for a long while. “My wings are frayed and what’s left of my halo’s black,” indeed. So Chiron, give me a breather, yes? Let me alchemize these.
Writing to you, Dear Reader, is in fact alchemy. According to the Oxford Dictionary, to alchemize is to transform the nature or properties of something “by a seemingly magical process.” So yes, let’s do that. Together.
A practice that I’ve developed over the past two years has been a gift, which I will share with you. Perhaps this practice will bless you as it has blessed me. It is, in fact, a seemingly magical process.
Every so often, as needed or as called, I open my laptop to the same document, enter the date, then pose a question to my Spirit Guides. Or God. Or the Holy Spirit. Or the Divine. Or the Universe. Or Ancestors. Or Higher Self. However you wish to characterize that which defies characterization but invites Faith.
I ask, simply: What would you have me know today?
Then I wait. Until. Words begin to flow through my fingertips dancing across the keyboard and onto the screen. Words of Peace. Comfort. Grace. Insight. Words that are filled with Love. Light. Kindness. Resonance. Truth. Or at least that which is true for me.
On rare occasions, I have shared a passage with a friend—only if the words seemed to address a challenge the friend shared with me as much as any challenge I might have been facing. The words that landed on the page recently, I feel these should be shared with you. For I do not know your challenges, but I do know you’ve faced them.
I wondered. If the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, what lines the road back?
So I asked. What would you have me know today? The words that follow took residence on my screen:
It is a loop in which you find yourself, Beloved. The question is how to break out of the loop. It is not in the doing. Or in the not doing. It is in the being.
It is what you will believe. About yourself. About others. It is what you will release. About yourself. About others.
Joy is not a decision. The path to it is. The path to Joy is paved with old beliefs, ones that no longer serve. The path to Joy is scattered with people and ideas and things and ways of being that were heavy. Do you want to be lighter in Spirit? Then let go. Lay it down. Keep moving.
You may look back, unlike Lot’s wife.3 But look back only for these things.
For understanding. For what you do tomorrow is shaped by your experiences of yesterday.
For perspective. To see how far you’ve come, as encouragement for the journey ahead.
For gratitude. For where you are today. Let this bring commitment. For where you long to be.
For lessons. These unfold in the excavation and sharing of memories.
Yes, memories. But hold close only the ones that fill you with warmth and bring Light to your eyes.
No longer dwell in the past, though, darling. No longer focus on what has hurt you. Who has hurt you. For there have been many hurts by many who-s. Who no longer matter, Dear One.
As dear Biba said over a French bistro lunch last Friday, there is wheat and there is chaff. They’ve separated themselves, the ones who’ve let you go. Finally, you may do the same.
Let go of their dead weight, their own heavy hearts are no longer yours to tend. Do not wish them ill. Do not wish them Joy. Do not wish them at all. It is time to let go.
Let go of who? Don’t even ask. Don’t even write their names here. For they are no longer even an echo in the canyon of your Heart.
Your Heart is vast, its capacity to Love is wide. Let this canyon be filled with beauty as far as the Soul’s eye can see. Not with echos. Allow those to fade. As many times as you shout their names into the canyon of your Heart, they will echo. But if you will cease shouting, their names will fade, Beloved.
And you will once again enjoy the sunshine and all its warmth, lighting the dark corners and crevices that bear shadows. Our Heart Canyons will have shadows, for contrast and discord, these are essential to beauty. Bask in the Light. Share that Light. And the shadows, though they will not disappear, will fade. And you will find Harmony once again between your Heart and Soul.
How? You ask. They say that where your mind goes, energy flows. So then. Fix your mind, Beloved, on Light. Settle your mind on Joy. As you do, these things will come to you. Plant a butterfly garden in the canyon of your Heart. Thousands upon thousands of delicate wings fluttering about will Delight. Your eyes will shine and laughter will bubble over. Fix your mind on Light and Joy. Look for beauty, call it in.
If you are unhappy with where you are, stop thinking about where you are. Decide where you want to be.
If you are disappointed in how you are showing up, change that. Decide how you want to be.
If you are dismayed with who they believed you to be, release that identity. No, do not cling to her. Neither shall you cling to the her you wish she’d been.
No! Decide who you want to be. Where and how and who. Decide these. The when is today. Right now. Decide these today. Leave the timing to us. Trust and give thanks for what already is.
Shift your energy, Beloved. Decide.
And with that, the words ceased their flow, having traced a path through my own Heart Canyon. If a canyon is a deep ravine cut into the earth’s surface over a long period of time by erosion from a flowing river, then the grander and more beautiful our Heart Canyon becomes the deeper the erosive cuts. As if by magic. Alchemy.
It’s been many years since I’ve been to a canyon, so I have no photos on point to share. But I do love to hike Stone Mountain so here is my favorite rocky path, also made beautiful by erosion and time.
Dearest Reader, what will you decide today? And. Why not ask: What would you have me know today? Breathe a prayer. Then let the words appear on the page.
May we decide what to leave behind, what to hold fast, who we want to be, and how we want to Love. Individually and in the Collective. That is all, Beloved. Be Love. Be Loved. Always. XO, Ash
Astrology has captured my curiosity, of late. Not the back-of-Cosmo snippets we once looked forward to each month (remember magazines?) but a true study of the stars—not in a predictive sense, rather a forecast as described by a new friend Stephanie Powers of the Lightworkers Lounge podcast (and here on Substack). It’s fascinating, though if you read Isaiah 47:13-14 you might say a prayer for me! And yet. There are beautiful passages that remind us of our connection to sun and stars, such as 1 Corinthians 15:41: “The sun has one kind of splendor, the moon another and the stars another, and star differs from star in splendor.” Or Psalm 8:3: “When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place.” Or Psalm 19:1: “The heavens declare the glory of God, the skies proclaim the work of his hands.” And as we move into December, we are once reminded of the Three Kings and the Star of Bethlehem. In everything, there is darkness and Light; may we be given Discernment to understand the difference.
This author offers a lovely description, especially the part I’ve italicized: “Chiron symbolizes the ‘wounded healer’ . . . exposing our deep pain, how we address that pain, and how our own healing powers have the ability to help others. Chiron symbolizes the strength of vulnerability, encouraging us to embrace the dark and thorny spaces of our past and take action. What’s more, this powerful comet emphasizes that individual healing is collective: The work we do to care for ourselves ripples outward, allowing us to heal others through our shared and empathetic experiences. On an individual level, Chiron implores us to confront our most difficult memories, grapple with our greatest insecurities, and expose our deepest wounds.” It’s alchemy, Beloved.
For more on Lot’s wife, here’s a post I delighted (and got completely lost) in writing.
